The Exclamation Mark Blog!

I just had my reunion dinner at my grandmother's place, and some things never seem to change year after year; a lot of conversation was forced and stilted, there was a general air of hypocrisy around the place, and some people like me kept interaction and conversation to a minimum, simply because I went by the philosophy - "nothing good to say, just shut up".

It occurred to me how fragmented and separated the whole family tree was. Then it hit me: relationships take effort and time to maintain. If no one initiates conversation, there'd be no progress in relationships and we'll just leave things at there and stay in our comfort zones of isolation.

Earlier on today, I was talking to a good friend, Eunice, sharing with her about my family and the reunion dinner before the topic took a sidetrack and led to the discussion on friends. It's no big revelation that our friends and assocations define who we are. We all have different social identities within different social groups, though sometimes who we want to be and who we try to be isn't necessarily who we actually are. Bible says bad company corrupts good character; we're bound to be influenced by the people we hang with - so you get the gist.

Actually I realized after being in church for a couple of years, I don't have like best friends to tell people about. I have good friends, but not friends I can call my group or something like that. Even out of church, I guess I have my best friends, but not in the form of a group, but rather just individual friendships. I realize I do not like interacting in groups; it stifles honest sharing sometimes, mainly due to the fact some things are private and bringing them out in the open in the presence of many will only bring out the fear of judgment. That is the predominant fear that keeps me from really connecting with people.

In the past, no. I guess in the past it was intellectual pride. In JC, I took literature, and let's face it, most literature students are a brilliant lot. Not to mention, my class had the hotties in it, and basically many of them strut around like they were the elites in the school. While I was hardly arrogant, I guess the time spent discussing interesting themes in lit classes was like a major ego trip for me; it never failed to make me feel superior above many others. You call that juvenile and childish, and I don't deny it - it is.

I always thought that the intellectual side of me really made it hard for me to connect with people. Initially I couldn't connect with some people from my church ( I wasn't new to the church at that point but I was hardly what you call a old member) because I had this whole air of faux intellectualism. thinking about it, it's all just plain silly.

then that whole ego thing just dissipated into thin air because I realized whole incredibly destructive pride is, and not to mention also realize how I'm not really that smart - they're tons way above my cognitive ability. Plus, man's wisdom pales in comparison to Divine wisdom. I guess a whole faux concept of self dominated my thoughts and midn. I just kept thinking myself of being so neurotic and different that I simply gave up trying to connect to people all the time. Every time people tried to connect with me, I pulled back. I dodged their valiant attempts to grab my heart and I hid it in some obscure treasure trove so as to make them give up reaching out to me.

I don't know why that was so. Stubbornness? perhaps. Fear of judgment? perhaps. Fear of being hurt? perhaps. I think some part of me got so numb that social interaction bored me at some point of time. And now looking back, I realized why I numbed that part of me: so that I could indulge in worldly pleasures without feeling guilty; so that words of my friends and even God fell on a stony heart.

2 years ago, things got gradually better, and I started opening up, got closer to fantastic people like Dale and Eunice and had a reciprocral friendship of encouragement and love. But while the friendships were growing, suddenly I just... pulled away... cut myself out. Again. This time I realized why I did so. I think part of me is still innately pessimistic, which is why I am sometimes drawn to deep, thinking people (who let's face it, are often depressed). the chirpiness of my friends started to rub me off, and I tried to remain elusive to hide away from any potential disruption of my peace and isolation - my rather delusional comfort zone.

So then, I don't know what to say but thanks Eunice again, because I again realized how important it is for me to maintain healthy friendships and relationships. I got convicted to do something about it, because I'm not an iron man. I need support and encouragement from time to time, of which I have no lack of when I'm with great people like the cell group.

But what struck me most was what Eunice told me, "God gives us friends according to our capacity to contain them." How utterly true. it's time to break out of the shell I've cooped myself up in for the past 3-4 months and start pressing into the lives of the people around me. I've friends all around me; it's just up to me to take the initiative to build up those friendships that are worth me investing into.

Also, thanks Terence, reading your blog has encouraged me a great deal. :D

On another note, I seriously think I'm sufferring from a slipped disc. Exceedingly worried about it because that will mean I might not be able to serve in my ministry as actively as I used to. What about my remaining time in the army? the physical activity is going to be extremely torturous. I will just have to wait to see the doctor on Monday.

Happy Chinese New Year to all the Chinese. To all the non-Chinese, enjoy your public holiday (if you're staying in Singapore). :D