The Exclamation Mark Blog!

From the episode 'Orpheus' of Tv Series 'Angel':

Angel: Faith, get up!

Faith(in staggered breaths): Angel, I'm dying...

Angel: Yeah, it's a lot easier than redemption, huh?

....

Angel: I'm not perfect, Faith. even with a soul, I've done things I wished I could take back a thousand times....

And I thought I could make up for it by disappearing.

Faith: I did my time (in prison).

Angel: Our time is never up, Faith. We pay for everything.

Faith (in pain, both physical and emotional): It hurts.

Angel: I know. I know.

The above are the excerpt pieces of dialogue fro the episode of Angel that I meticulously jotted down on paper because I loved them so much. For the uninitiated... Faith is a rogue Vampire slayer, supposed to be a champion of good, who later on went on to murder two people, but although cold on the outside, she was literally breaking on the inside. And the only one who never gave up on her was Angel, the vampire with a soul (which basically means he's the only good vampire around), who never stopped atoning himself for the crimes he committed when his soul was absent from his body.

Those lines were amazingly resonant to me. I'm no former jailbird or cold blooded killer - hell, I don't even litter because I'm afraid of being fined- but I relate to the kind of pain Faith was facing. 2 things I would like to point out.

Angel did most of his crimes when he was devoid of a soul, a conscience. Yet when he had his soul back, it wasn't as if he has a brain transplant with an angel and suddenly became all Pope Alexander. He still did wrong things, made wrong choices - ones that he made rationally, with perfect knowledge of the consequences.

The parallels with my Christian life are evident. I'm a Christian true, and my life's changed a lot since when I became one. But I'm no perfect saint; I've done wrong things, many of them in fact, and the guilt sometimes eats away at me.

People sometimes tend to get too critical of Christians. People lie blatantly, they get away with it scot-free; we tell a white lie, we get flamed mercilessly for it. Our faults are often magnified and scrutinized upon. I should take needles and puncture my skin till blood oozes out to remind them that I am like anyone else, a human being.

We all still make mistakes and we have to deal with them.

***

Angel also mentioned him trying to make up for all his past faults by disappearing. Retreat into some obscure corner of the globe and become a recluse, fading into oblivion. Faith tried shutting herself from life permanently by wanting to stay in jail the rest of her life, hoping that would offer some sort of shelter from the hard-hitting reality of what she had done. And yet here's the line I loved most:

Faith: I did my time. (in prison)

Angel: Our time is never up, Faith. We pay for everything.

Well, hurts doesn't it? But I'm guessing its true. When I was younger I did so many wrong things, some of which had effects on me which I'm still trying to come to terms with. In the past I often lapsed into a perpetual state of self-flagellation, then found my escape by entering into a bout of depression that kind of sheltered me from more emotionally decapitating thoughts.

But true redemption (or rather, repentance, for me) is not about escapism or guilt. It's about dealing with your past faults. Moving on from the past. Making better choices in the future.

Some people say they can't leave the past behind because the past won't leave them behind. That they can't win against their past.

But I don't think the battle with the past is always there to be won. It's there to be fought. To fight, to try to redeem oneself, to go into the future making better and more responsible choices. And that's what makes humans so strong.

Then again, my battle has already been won for me by A Friend in A Higher Place.