The Exclamation Mark Blog!

I received a tremendous wake-up call today. And when i mean wake up call it's not the sound of the alarm ringing to wake me up from my sleep. Rather, this wake up call is more like some incident that really jerked me out of my dream-like state in camp and induced some clarity of thought in my life. I guess for too long, I had been just drifting around in camp, going through the motions. The fact that i hated the work i do didn't help. There're so many reasons why the past few weeks in camp have been one of the most boring and empty periods of my life. Firstly, I realized that I totally wasted my BMT away coz my attitude during my BMT was like really bad... I was actually quite negative during my BMT, trying to slack when i could, although I've always did my fair share of work... and I made some great friends inside... haha but my already bad depression got worsened during that period... so i had no motivation to excel... and my performance was exacerbated by the fact that I was naturally blur! whaha. ok seriously, it was only after being posted to become a VM i realized how much i regretted slacking during BMT ( taking 4 MCs... one of the record holdres in my company...whahaha)... although at that time I would have loved a slack vocation.

That's coz after going to a unit for training for 3 months and getting posted to Navy now, I realized I just had totally no interest in whatever that I am doing. In my previous units, it wasn't so bad coz i had tons of friends to talk with and interact with. In the Navy now, I guess there're only a few people that I can really connect with. I guess I'm OK with everyone, but I don't sense much potential in many of the friendships I'm having now. The problem with me is that sometimes I'm not active enough in forging a friendship... I'm not the kind to doggedly inquire about you and your life... and I barely open up to people. If I do, then either you're a good friend of mine, or you're one super incredible person because most of the time i just open up to my good friends. In Tuas Naval Base now, many of my campmates are actually "Hokkien Pengs" meaning Hokkien soldiers... and me, a predominantly English speaker, although some of my best friends are more Chinese speaking... so there is a huge communication gap. Interest wise, also really different. I'm also the only other A level student besides one Sergeant. So i guess I don't really have much friends in camp basically. The loneliness and boredom just really gets to me all the time.

Anyway, I guess the next natural progression is the fact that I always go through the motions in camp and just stone and dream away although I actually do a lot of work... so today I was really screwing something up and my Sergeant told me "Raymond, your heart's in this place, but your soul's not in this place"... I immediately shouted "HUH?" then he was like do you have any problems? and I was like " I dont'! why do you always say that?! " I mean what was I to say? I wanted to just at that moment say I hate this place, I hate doing this stuff, I rather be in the jungle running and sufferring than doing this crap, I hate the stupidity of everyone here, I hate their shallowness, I hate their superficiality, I hate their lack of understanding of the human condition, I hate the politics, I can't stand some people, I hate the fact that I'm doomed to be in thsi hellhole for the next 1 and a half years. (although in about a month's time I'm posting to Changi Naval Base with a sergeant who's a great guy, so guess that may (or may not) be the change of fortunes for me). I wanted to tell them, as Elyse Sewell said in America's Next Top Mode, "There's the most vapid conversation going around me now..... these people are vapid, wasteful and dumb...." But it's just that a few sergeants also echoed the same sentiments... so that got me to do some serious soul searching. At first I was thinking, no way man, i don't have any problems at all, then i took a step back and realized that, yeah, I am just simply going through the motions. The break came and i took out some Christian material to read... then I just felt this overwhelming need to pray. I can't tell u exactly what i prayed, but here's a gist.... " Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world... Lord I know that You can help me get through all my circumstances... etc etc etc... i want to face my work with a postive attitude and prosper where You have planted me etc etc etc... I want to rely on Your strength etc etc etc." After that prayer, I felt IMMENSELY relieved of my burdens, and I felt like I could take on the world. It was cool. In the afternoon, after picking myself up although with a slightly bruised ego after the morning screw up.... everything went a lot better... woah. Thank God. Tomorrow lies a new challenge. But bring it on. Because greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world. And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!


P.S. Woah it's great that Alvin's back.. gave me a call in the afternoon, though it was just like a few short minutes but I felt alot alot better... Pamela I don't know what's happened to you and that guy but I think whatever it is, there're a ton of guys out there for u la. Cliched but true... But talking to you the past few days has been really great... I feel like u've actually matured a lot. Just like me! Whahaha... Marilyn... don't worry about the friday tuition thing, it's great to be able to help... Kenneth, if you're reading this ( probably as a previous entry coz you're probably only able to read this on the weekends), see, you're not alone in your struggles right? You've a friend who's kinda going through similar stuff as you... Hmm I believe you'll have the strength to pull yourself out of whatever it is you're going through.