The Exclamation Mark Blog!

To all my faithful readers out there, who never fail to take a few seconds off everyday to type in my blog URL and check if my blog is updated, I have this to say: Sorry.

Sorry because each day you come by with expectancy, and yet day by day I'm disappointing u guys. One of my resolutions is to try to update my blog 2-3 times a week, but I've not updated in a week. Oh well, Marilyn, you're still around at least.

This week has been a mad week for me. I don't see the need to elaborate more except for the fact that my camp sucks. And the main reason is because the bosses suck so much. I'm not going to go on ranting because it'll just exacerbate my feelings of weariness and dreariness. No point adding fuel to the fire. Pastor keeps telling us that we're going to become BIGGER than the giants in our life. We're more than conquerors through Christ who loves us!

Struggling hard this week in camp because of some of my foolishness. But I'm praying God lends me His wisdom and strength everyday, and I'm leaning on Him to guide me through the week. I'm very sluggish mentally and spiritually now. Stress is rearing its ugly head on me, and the constant worries and burdens of camp are taking their toll on me. Yet, I'll be ok, coz God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind!

Sorry for digressing and getting preachy.

Anyway the weekend turned out to be great. On Saturday, I met up with my 2 great secodnary school friends: one of my best friends Xiuzhi, and my super corny buddy Jiajin. Did our normal birthday ritual... celebrated it at Bugis Swensens. I just love the way our group is so sentimental. We've been celebrating each others' birthdays at Swensens since 2000! that makes it our 6 consecutive year carrying out the same old routine! Heh. Had a really great time catching up with my long time buddies Jiajin and Xiuzhi. After the meal, Jiajin and I walked around a bit and Xiuzhi went on full gambling mode and went to buy 4d. That girl is the Queen of 4d man! After that we headed down to settlers' cafe, and it's a great great great cafe. Please do drop by there if you have the time. Their website is at www.settlerscafe.com.

After that I walked all the way down to One Fullerton. As I was walking down the Boat quay Area, marvelling at the splendour that is the Singapore River. ( Yes, it is beautiful, even if still uncomparable in grandeur when it comes to other famous european rivers or lakes). It's really beautiful.

Today, went to church, and service was really really fantastic. It's fantastic every week, but today it was extra fantastic. heh. Felt renewed in my spirit, and I feel that I can make it through whatever obstacles I'm facing right now. Anyway, these days I'm not going out that much because I'm re-addicted to the joys of Warcraft 3. Those gamer addicts out there will know what I mean. :D

Will be posting soon again. Just wanted to let you guys what I've been up to lately so I came up with this brief post! Anyway, love all of you readers out there. You guys rock!

ok, before i start on my post, let me just rant at what others see as a necessity for porn.

opening my inbox has always been an innocent affair. i do not surf porn websites, plus reliable hotmail filters will clear all indications of porn from my inbox straight into my junk mail folder. so chances are most of my stuff are really innocent. the closest thing that i got to nude was probably an ugly stick figure drawn by a kid.

imagine my shock to find some idiot who posted on my msn group advertising her own sexiness. nude photos included. bah. it's so tasteless i'm on the verge of puking now. someone pass me the barf bag!

whoever you are, just pray i don't run into you because i'll be sure to humiliate you for being such a shameless slut. sheesh.

that aside. *pauses five minutes to barf her indignance off*

and now, we resume regular programming.

the media is becoming tasteless. repeat after me: "tasteless".

sure, "survivor" was an amazing success. "the amazing race" was a runaway stroke of brilliance. and "american idol" was nothing short of a sensation. but do you guys know when "enough is enough"?

reality tv. yeah, we're so interested in what goes on in other people's lives. we relish in laughing our heads off at bloopers others like us commit. we hold our breaths and stop life in its tracks to watch some virtual unknown make the fool of himself for that 15 minutes of fame. but, seriously, enough is enough.

in our general paper questions, we usually diss reality tv's bad examples for portraying all the undesirable qualities. we argue the pros and cons of reality tv. "temptation island" is the usual target.

but "temptation island" is getting kind of stale ain't it? who remembers it anymore? gp students! dump those decomposing ideas and take these fresher ones instead!!

producers are so hooked on reality tv, they trip over themselves to throw out more and more lame ideas to draw in the ratings. first we have the stars making a fool out of themselves: "the simple life" and (horror!) "road trip". watch rich sluts kids paris and nicole eke it out away from their luxury mansions and personal chauffeurs! really, who cares? admit it. the only reason why the world really knows paris hilton is because of that sleazy sex video she made. "the newlyweds" gave us the idea that stars do not have brains. what is nick lachey doing with a brainless bimbo like jessica?

then we have "the next action star", "the bachelor", "the bachelorette", blah blah blah. lustful passions, bad bitching and hypocritical backstabbing. we have the good, the bad and the ugly. the typical formula for most drama serials plus undesirable values served together with dinner for the kids to consume. it's bad but addictive, just like fast food.

you know what? stop it already. the first few creations have the credit of being "fresh and innovative" but constant recycling of an idea will eventually make what was "fresh and innovative" wither and die.

i'm looking forward to good drama serials to return to our screens. and the actually good shows put in its deserving timeslots. leave paris, nicole, and the backstabbing bitches of reality tv for the inhumane hours when their inane fans will actually stay up to watch their brattiness.

i await the resurrection of good tv.

My 2 biggest love-hate affairs: With my mom and with my dad.

But the bigger one among the two is with my mom.

I hate coming back on sunday nights sometimes, because my whole family is back at my house for dinner. It just is really annoying sometimes because the time you spend together is mostly just quantity time and not quality time.

Since my grandmother had her heart surgery when I was 14, which is 6 years back, she's been living with us. ( my uncle who is currently using her flat must be really happy, because he never could get along with my grandma.) Since then, every Sunday, my family members ( mother's side) would all head down to my house for 'family day'. The idea may sound innovative, or interesting, but really, it gets stale after a while. I got really weary of it real fast.

There's the Uncle Put-You-Down... who goes on to comment on all his nephews that are supposedly not as superior as his own son. "Oh, what did you get for english/chinese/maths/GP/econs etc etc?" ( so glad I'm outta JC) or "Hmm you never exercise?" or "Hey, you've put on weight!" All said in his fakest I-care-for-you-so-much tone. Over the years, he's gotten a little less caustic, but he's still occasionally unbearable. There's also Uncle Mockery... who keeps putting his most oh-so-awful sarcastic mocking grin. At those moments I really wish I could super glue his horrible lips together so he'd never ever lose his irritating grin, and live with that visage of horror forever.

It's so weird that the uncle types in my family are so much more irritating than the aunts. Although I'm still constantly irked by their overwhelming materialism, they're much more bearable than my uncles. Or my mom, for that matter. But let me elaborate a little on their irritating antics. Every sunday without fail, the first thing they do is go to my sister's room for their little female rendezvous, then proceed to dump their bags down, and take out their new skirt/blouse/bag/wallet whatever to parade to the rest. How annoying that can be after a while!
But still, most of them are not so nasty, and are rather generous, so they're great most of the time.

Don't you guys realize that all typical Chinese Singaporean families are so alike? The familiar archetypes, Uncle Slander, Uncle Mockery, Uncle Put-You-Down, Aunt Bitchy, Aunt Hypocrite, Aunt I'm-so-proud-of-my-son-that-I'll-shamelessly-boast-about-him. SO irritating. Which is why I try my darnest to avoid any contact with my big family. not direct family, but the whole entire family during 'family day'. I mean I don't avoid them like the plague, I still like to be in touch with their lives... but our conversations cannot really go deep. It's always so superficial and conversation's always more of a chore than a joy. It is really draining mentally and emotionally. And my family always misconstrues me avoiding contact as negligence of the family. That couldn't be further from the truth. Occasionally I still make it a point to come back home for dinner so that I can still talk to them, although I don't do that too much because sometimes they irk me so bad that I have to control myself with all my might so that I don't erupt into some angsty tirade.

Then comes the horror of horrors. My MOM!

I know it probably is wrong of me to express my frustration and distaste towards my mom in such in such an explicit manner. But she is just... UGH! Today, I specially made it a point to come back early for dinner. Having not played a proper game of Warcraft 3 for eons, I just decided to hop on my dad's com to play it for a while, because the connection in my room is really screwed up. Before long, just when dinner started, my mom was yelling non stop for me to stop playing the game and to eat dinner. Being in the middle of a game, and being the game addict that I am, I told her nicely that I wanted to finish the game first before dinner. Besides, there wasn't enough chairs so I'll eat during the second round, when the other adults would be eating. She blew her top. Despite me telling her repeatedly that i needed a while to complete the game and once I finished the game I would eat with them, she was totally unreasonable and started blowing her top. I understand that she wanted me to finish eating early so that they could keep the dishes, but it wouldn't take that long for me to complete the game. Besides, her incessant yelling wasn't helping much.

In the end, my brother came by after he finished eating and took over the game. As I was getting ready to eat, Uncle-Irritant came by and passed some idiotic comment about me getting fatter and army being too nice to me. And he was judging from my face, which wasn't any bigger. It was still perfectly the same size, and it wasn't fat at all. (although yes, I have put on a little fat on my tummy! ARgh... but still I have a very very healthy weight, and I got a Silver for my IPPT, mind you) I told him, NO, my face is still perfectly the same size. That was such a dumb comment on his part. Even if he revelled in putting others down or criticising others, could he have at least come up with something better? Like me having more pimples? Or dirty fingernails from my NS work? Do we need a School For Smart Criticism and Put-You-Downs?

I was totally disgusted with my uncle's totally redundant comment. Then my wonderful mom, in her angsty tirade, relished her opportunity to join in the critique-fest, spouting out some really acrimonious words. "Aiya, someone still think he actually so good looking, actually he looks like PIG ar! So fat already still dunno, need people to tell him. IPPT already fail. Still don't want to exercise."

My immediate words in my head. "Queen BITCH OF THE UNIVERSE!"
Somehow the bible verse still rang in my head... it goes vaguely like this ..."In your anger, do not sin." I managed to somehow compose myself from the shock I got, and told her "Mom I know you're angry, but please don't say this kind of things."

Just for your information, I have a very very healthy weight. Maybe I lost my 6 pecs a couple of months ago after some sluggishness when it comes to exercising, but I still look healthy. And my mom was obviously dreaming, because I go SILVER for my IPPT and I'm too darn proud to even tell her that. Because she doesn't deserve to know.

Before you knew it, we were scolding each other. I was never the really blow your top kinda guy, so i said something like "Don't piss me off ar, next Sunday I won't be coming back for dinner again" and something like " I came back early today to see the family, but you must make so much noise". She was like screaming and yelling non stop.

Isn't at times like these when you wished you could just wring your mom's neck? ARgh.

Then again, after cooling down, I realized it was really my fault. The Bible keeps repeatedly telling us to honour our parents. And I'm trying to do that. But my mom being so unreasonable sometimes just makes it so hard. I guess the next time I'll just pray to God for strength to deal with some situations with more composure. It really is my fault for disobeying them in the first place. And it pisses the hell outta me when I realized that I was really the one in the wrong! I was going against God's command.

Having said that, my mom really needs to go for some anger management course.

Mom I know you won't be reading this, but if you are: I really do love you and sorry or causing you distress. But please be understanding towards me too. I'm only human too. And your words are most caustic and nasty. Calling your son a pig? Which mom does that?

What a way to end my weekend.

Today, I went to Taufik's thank you party held at Singapore Poly. Swatch, whom Taufik is an ambassador of, is a close partner of DFS (Duty Free Shop), where my sister works as a project coordinator, and Swatch gave 2 VIP passes to DFS. My sister asked me whether I would want it and naturally, being the huge Taufik fan that I am, I lapped up the chance to see him up close and personal and told her to grab the VIP passes. ( sorry I'm still going ga-ga over those passes... darn. I have a sad life. haha)

I thought this would be a great opportunity to bring my friends who are Taufik fans along, so that we could have a good catching-up session too. Turns out all of them had some sort of appointments/duties/studies/commitments going on, so I had to scroll along my rather miserable list of friends in my handphone name list ( many names there... but most of there are just mere acquaintances, either that or they're not interested in Taufik's music at all) and finally found a friend to go with me to Taufik's Thank You Party.

I took a $10 cab down to Dover MRT station as I was running late. So out goes New Year's Resolution #1, which is to cut down on my cab fare and start being more thrifty. Digressing a little, I find that my extravagant nature when it comes to spending money is hard to suppress! Oh, and I found out my bro has almost 8000 dollars in his bank account while I have a meagre 2000. Mi gosh, if my mom finds out about that, I'm SOOOO dead. Back to the point, I just hate it when I take a taxi down to a place to meet a friend, that person can actually be later than me in arriving. Makes you wonder why in the world you took the effort to take a cab down in the first place right? It's such a pet peeve of mine. So my friend was late by about 25 minutes because of some silly things that happened along the way. I'm too nice to even get angry!
Well, it's a good friend, so I guess I can take it in my stride.

The Thank You party was great, but I felt something amiss. I felt that the atmosphere was just lacking a little...something. It's not that there were many unfilled seats. It's just that there was a little lack of excitement. Perhaps Idol fever has finally waned. ( or perhaps there's a sudden resurgence again because of the return of American Idol, with far far better contestants than Singapore Idol) Don't you ever wonder how some things can change in such a short time? I remember such strong emotions when Taufik won the competition. I was a huge fanatic. I shouted, cheered like a madman and even hugged my friends when he won. I voted 10 times for him on the finals, and a few times for him during the round before. But today as he appeared, though I was glad to see him really really close and personal, I just felt it so awkward, that those swirl of emotions I experienced when he won the Idol crown did not surface. I was just getting a little jaded I guess. My friend who's a Mass Comm student was just telling me that she has interviewed so many celebrities that meeting celebrities has lost its appeal to her. Unless maybe it's some huge Hollywood star, but regional stars will never bring out the squeally school girl in her anymore.

Maybe that's why Hollywood celebrities are so jaded? Before they were just nobodies, and overnight they became acting sensations. People who are larger than life, with all their time spent in flashes of light. People who have all the money in the world, with the most beautiful material possession one can only dream of, with tons of showbiz friends, hordes of obsessed fans, and with the ability to bed anyone they want. All the things that used to excite them or pique their interest before have now lost its appeal, its shine. For the normal layman, getting a car ( not even a really good one) is such an occasion worthy of celebration. Yet, for Hollywood celebrities, this is just another one of the purchasing routines. Watch MTV Cribs and you’ll realize how many kazillion cars these stars own.

People need to be excited over other stuff. They need to feel passionate and excited over a cause! A special cause!

I’m so blessed because in my walk with God, everyday is an adventure.

gone are the days when the parents are the ones calling the shots. as society advances, the roles in the family are gradually changing.

the children are the ones that rule now.

my sister told me this incredibly ridiculous story. one fine day a parent called her school principal up with a request:

"sir, my son loves eating muah chee. can you advise your students to not eat muah chee?"

the caring parent goes on to give evidence (in show of her goodwill towards her son's fellow schoolmates) why students at my sister's school should never touch muah chee. after intensive investigations and tailing of the muah chee seller, the shocking discovery was that said muah chee seller is actually a rubbish collector.

good intentions aside, we can all see the motivations of the parent for not wanting her son's schoolmates to eat muah chee. because her beloved little boy would be deprived of his (rubbish infested) favourite food.

rubbish. pun fully intended.

i find it ridiculous that a parent would actually waste time over a matter as small as muah chee. but that's the way parents are these days. they do stupid things like this for their precious children just to see them smile. no wonder children these days grow up to become spoilt brats.

after stoning in front of the keyboard for a full 5 minutes, i found myself a wee bit too boggled by parents these days.

let me go ponder over this issue and come back with part II.


***


this is the part where i bug raymond to blog.

dear raymond,
please blog!!!

have a nice day, people.

steven lim strikes again.

no, no. not that nice guy who acted as david in "growing up" (hmm.. who remembers him anyway?). it's that screwed-up reject from singapore idol who earns his keep by plucking eyebrows.

the latest goss is that singapore's most thick skinned man is advertising for lurrrve.
ref: mr. brown's post on steven lim.

other attention seeking stunts aside (like this one, link courtesy of mr. brown.), his advertisements simply disgusts me to the core.

that guy does not want a girlfriend. what he needs is a dog. read on and you'll get my point.

steven lim's gf requirements, from the horse's mouth

"dun argue too much and rather be submissive towards me to save time on quarrels..."
a dog solves the problem. she won't argue back.

"supportive towards my passion in performing art..."
a dog will wag her tail in appreciation, if that is what you want. a bonus is that most can't tell the difference between good singing and bad yelling. your enormous ego will be protected i assure you.

"pure and can gradually give me 100% of total devotion..."
they say dogs are the most faithful and obedient pets. done deal

"pretty, slim..."
you can always take a poodle.

"dun irc..."
as long as your dog ain't computer literate this should not be a problem...

"dun smoke/drink..."
a cig in a dog's mouth? nah. and i think dogs prefer water as a beverage...

"preferably no curfews so we can roam together if we want to..."
as her owner, you'll be setting the curfews. besides, there's no law prohibiting night walking your pooch.

"close to female friends rather than guy friends..."
just restrict her social circle lah! only allow her to know pretty female dogs from the neighbourhood. you can ogle at them too. i'm sure your pooch won't mind.

"and age between 16-21..."
there will always be flaws in a solution. but face it, a dog is able to fulfill more of your highly demanding requirements so the inability to fulfill this one should not matter much.. right? oh no? then get one that is three years old. that should be 21 years old in dog years. perfect.

on top of that, a dog will probably howl in harmony with his interpretation of the "performing art", wear ridiculous signs bearing advertisements for his website (free of charge. and since dogs are so lovable, he'll probably get more hits thanks to his cute pooch) and give him the complete obedience he so demands.

what is he waiting for? pop by the nearest pet store as soon as possible! and yeah, i hope he does not dump his dog after she ages beyond her 21 doggie years. i'm sure the s.p.c.a will hear of it at the rate of his shameless advertisements.

entertainment is becoming worthless these days, what with william "she bangs" hung and steven lim getting precious screen time. cable, here i come!

Despite me having a sizeable group of friends, (not a lot but enough so that I don't feel lonely all the time), I realize that I'm always going out with the same few people. Either it's my church friends, or my secondary school classmates. Even my buddies like Xiuzhi, Jiajin, Caleb, Kenneth etc are so busy nowadays that it's kinda hard to meet up. Damn. I was supposed to meet 2 wonderful old friends of mine today but due to some last minute changes, we couldn't meet up and now I'm searching through my handphone name list to see who I can meet up for a rendezvous at night. Gosh and I only came up with 3 names! I'm so pathetic socially! Darn.

... with these (not so) important reminders.

dear consumer,

do you have assets too small? do you have non-existent mortgages to pay for?
help is on hand. we have a variety of products we think you will like (but do not really need. but hey, this is what advertisement is for, right?).

our services include:
* e-mail blocking. we spam your e-mail inbox with our useless information, bad spelling (we have to avoid those pesky filters!) and mega-huge graphic files, thus blocking you from receiving important e-mails from your family, friends and collegues. as a bonus, you'll receive this service free of charge!

* 24 hour web monitoring. if you are interested and do decide to drop by our friendly website, we provide yet another free service in the form of web monitoring. we will automatically install in your computer some programs to log your keystrokes, hijack your webpages to (not so) useful search sites and steal your passwords and important information for safekeeping. we'll also help ourselves to the money in your online bank account and jack your modem (if it's dial up) so as to allow you to make long distance calls to some stranger in a faraway place such as cook island. this service is also free of charge.

* selling unwanted stuff. we aggressively promote items that you do not find on the shelf of your family-friendly supermarts (usually to cater to physical pleasures). we insult you in our e-mail subject lines to tempt you to read our latest most exciting offers to enhance non-existent body parts. p/s: you do not have to be above 18 to buy from us. we do not give a damn.

do drop by our website to find out more about us!

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as this is a computer generated letter, no signature is required.




aahhhh.. the joys of technology. ^^

*****

on another note...

dear visitors,

comments are mainly what drives bloggers on. if you do stop by, and happen to like/hate what we're writing, please please please take a couple of seconds to tell us so. i'm not begging, i just find it discouraging that nobody seems to be visiting this blog. =(

anyhow, till the next post~

Please excuse me as I'm about to make a lengthy defence for my Christian brethren. As any reader of my blog would know, I am a Christian. I'm proud of it. I even declare it in my profile and i celebrate Christianity openly in my blog. I'm sure the more intellectual bloggers who read my blog ( eg those linked... Fro, Ms Beautifuk, etc...) would naturally have a rather stereotypical image of who I am. Ok, let's see, everytime someone with a really traditional, "swaku" mindset hears of the word Christian, what does he really picture? The immediate image that comes to mind is that of a "square", nerdy, guitar-carrying guy with a rather pathetic social circle, or a really demure, tame, passive girl who looks like she will never in a million years have the chance of losing her chastity. ( which is actually bad if u do lose it outside the bond of a marriage). Anyway, my point is, in the blogosphere, mention the existence of a blogger who's a Christian and the numerous stereotypes whizzes past your head. In short, you think this guy typing away right now on this very blog is one helluva dumb idiot.

I don't blame any of you for that. I'm sure that in the league of non-crappy blogs, I portraying my Christian persona with utter sincerity and celebrating my faith without hesitance would definitely earn me my share of deriders and detractors. Most of you would think Christians can't blog intellectually for nuts. ( Marilyn, thank God you're not one of those goons who think that way!) Thus, my blog would definitely be an anomaly in the "League of non-crappy blogs"(as i like to call it). You can tell my blog is linked to the blogs of other far more able and talented bloggers than me, who writes intelligently and coherently, their content being provoking and cogent. I know I can go on really redundant and inane ranting sprees occasionally a little too much, and half the time I'm too lazy to wrack my brain to come up with something intelligent and worth reading. My mind is in a perpetual state of inertia after I've entered the army ( 2 and a half years of utter brain-rot).

Sorry for digressing, but I'm coming to the main point now. As I've highlighted above, I know that the term "Christian" raises many stereotypes (most of the time unfair ones) to the minds of most secular people. Even in the blogosphere, I'm sure this is no different. My blog, to me still in the stages of infancy, would probably be treated like an abomination to some. ( Argh I'm digressing again!!) Anyway the main purpose of this post is to address some of those totally unfair stereotypes.

I've read Xiaxue's latest post on religion, (I understand the magnetism of her blog, but to me her posts are absolutely abysmal. And I'm not being biased.) and well as Daniel's (which is linked on my blog) and both touched on the topic of religion. A couple of weak's ago, Fro also came out with a post on religion. And while blog surfing, I've encountered more who recently posted about the topic as well (their interest in the topic was probably sparked off my Xiaxue's absolutely unintelligent post). All of them viewed Christianity ( and also other religions) with enmity, or in milder cases, had some distaste towards Christianity. And many of them, being the "objective" people, always qualify their statements with something like "I don't have anything against Christianity", but of course, they go on to rant non stop about their hate-hate affair with the religion.

I'm of course saddened by all the animosity these people have towards Christianity and Christians. Most think that Christians are weak people. I totally disagree. Maybe adopting a secular mindset, I can understand the opinions of others, why they view Christians ( or believers of any other religion for that matter, although the brunt of their angst is always directed towards Christians) as weak people. Many people think that most Christians only become Christians in periods of tragedy in their life, in periods of transition. That couldn't be more false. There are many people, in times of tragedy, turn to God to help them, to comfort them, and that is great. But many others don't share such reasons. Many who choose to believe in God are truly touched by God, by His love, and it is something that is impossible to fathom with our human mind. It is ethereal, and has to be felt. And contrary to popular opinion, it is not totally elusive. You just have to seek it. Go by a good church one of these days, and you'll know what I mean. Humans live for love. And there is no greater love than the love of God. Also, many people become Christians when they are finally sick and tired of materialistic and superificial pursuits. These people want to just want to live life for something more lasting, for something more eternal. And God is the only source to a life with true purpose and destiny. I could go on, but I'll save all that elaboration for another day. In Abraham MAslow's 'Scale of Human Needs', Self-Actualization needs are at the top of the scale. Which means that once people have their physical needs met, followed by basic emotional needs like acceptance, and then followed by a sense of belonging, these people will go on to ponder on the purpose of their life. I don't care what you call it, metaphysical musings or what not. It is a core part of human existence. It is inextricably bound to the very fabric of our creation.

Christians have finally found their purpose in life. I know my purpose in life. And I don't care whether you're sniggering now, because at least I have something to live for, and you're still wasting your life away doing crap. If what you're living for isn't worth dying for, then it's not worth living for in the first place, right? I'm sure it's pretty obvious that there must be more to life than getting a good job, earning lots of money, and even getting married and having a family right? Many 'militant Atheists' believe that in life we should just live for the moment. That's half true to me. We should live for the moment, but not in the sense that we just waste it away by seeking fleeting forms of gratification. I mean living for the day by making full use of the day. Carpe Diem. Cliched but oh, how resonant that phrase still is to society!

I've decided I have to continue this post some other time because I have far too much to say, but I'll just comment on one thing before I end this post. What's the bull about Xiaxue's whole "blind faith" statement? Let me tell you guys something. True faith is blind. Not in the sense that you have faith in all sorts of shit that you've never witnessed b4. True faith in God means you believe even though you've not seen before because you know that you know that you know you are right. Because you've felt it. Because you know it. You should have faith, because God has sent this really annoying guy to write a post about Him, and that you, out of the billions of people out there, have been send on a divine appointment to read this post about Him.

On a final note, i have to apologise again for any incoherence in my post today. I'm blogging from my camp computer, and yes, I'm staying in again today, doing my duty, and so the floods of inspiration haven't exactly came yet. I promise I'll follow up on this post soon. I've so so so much to say. Anyway to all my readers, please tag and tell me about this post! I'm sure this post will piss the hell outta some of my readers, if so, just vent it out on my tagboard!

Love you guys. It's such a stressful day but I'm so glad I'm able to blog to just release some pent up pressure. And it's even greater when I know someone out there is reading my blog and connecting. It's just wonderful. Peace Out. You guys Rock!!!

*************************************************************************************
Lions beat the Indonesians 3-1 a couple of days ago! I'm still over the moon man, haha. Cant wait for the match this sunday!

disclaimer: the term "blogicide" was ripped off calm one who recently commited one of his own. i take no credit.

i'm greatly saddened by the news these few days:

tsuanmi killed thousands/millions/zillions.
brad pitt and jennifer anniston split up.
life at ngee ann committed blogicide.
munday blues is the latest to join the list of dead blogs. (do drop by to read at least the archives.)

and raymond was telling me that this guy, azrul, also decided to close down his blog. it was apparently a good read. (i can't judge. i didn't follow his blog.)

let us take a minute to silently reflect on how the world seriously is going down to the dogs. why life is so unfair. why natural disasters happen to kill people by thousands, why hollywood's golden couple had to go splitsville, why the good blogs are dying...

i mimick lydia sum (bad example with a good line): "why, why, tell me why?!?!"

please excuse me while i go mourn our losses.

as they say, "you grieve, and then you move on."

our society has become increasingly materialistic and selfish. we do not do charity unless it has some benefit to our own selves.

students do charity work because it was stipulated that we have to complete an allocated amount of hours dedicated to community service. singaporeans donate generously to glam fundraising shows such as renci and nkf because of the glitzy advertisements hinting at a chance of winning a luxury car or condominium. when it comes to taking that extra mile by helping that disabled man across the street, we all recoil in horror.

have you ever wondered why those "volunteers" holding those $5 coupons were so persistent? especially those who try to tempt you into buying them with the attachment of a discount coupon of some unpopular brands, and verbally abuse you when you are deemed as "uncharitible". how they worry about their commissions if you do not buy those coupons.

commission, you ask?

that's right. the head honcho gets big bucks by selling those coupons and his lackeys get a fair share of the profits that roll in from the wallets of charitible singaporeans. nothing goes to the "poor starving children" or the "helpless disabled elderly". it is so disgusting, i want to demand a refund.

i shall not go on about how nkf and goodness knows how many organisations that diverts a portion of the profits from those charity fundraising shows to pay the "volunteers" involved.

one of my gp questions is as follows: "there's no such thing as altruism"

just take a look at the number of scams and demands for money (instead of contributions in kind) for the recent tsunami incident. can anyone blame the girl for being so jaded?

to those who want to sell me those coupons, read my lips: buzz. off.

"to err is human, to forgive divine"

something a good pal of mine, christina, once told me stuck in my head. she told me one night, she asked God what is means to be christian. and she got her answer (God works in His own mysterious ways) from her recently converted brother after she bitched about how his friend backstabbed him.

to be christian is to have the heart to forgive whatever wrongs done to you, just like how God forgave us for the sins we committed. while it might be an inadequate definition of what a christian truly is (and pardon me if it really is), i found truth in that statement.

after reading about the attack of the christian zealots (yes, i do read xiaxue just for the heck of it. and i am starting to see why she's popular.) i simply felt compelled to comment about this issue once again.

i previously blogged about this topic, a product of my outrage at the way city harvest (no offence, raymond) drastically changed my best friend of 8 years into one of those zealots. i was initially happy when she told me that she's converted to be a christian. but my happiness proved short lived when she pulled that "if you do not go to church, God is gonna damn you to hell" shit on me and a few mutual friends. after several phone calls, smses and letters, i finally decided i have had enough and wrote this long letter to her explaining myself. i also informed her that if she does not stop i'll have to stop talking to her because i will kill her if she continues this crap thank you very much.

firstly, if God is going to damn every non-believer to hell, then one should go read fr057m0urn3's post on religion. oh the horror, at least half the world is going to hell.

secondly, isn't it ironic that those extremists who call themselves christians are the exact people who could not find it in their hearts to forgive and respect the religions of others? if they want, i can check my bible. i'm sure God said something about forgiveness, respect and tolerance.

the lack of tolerance and respect for supposedly deviant thoughts is illustrated in an incident that happened during my mass civics period, which happened to be one of the most interesting and unique session for the year.

my school invited brother michael from sji to talk to us about religion. he is different from other priests. he told us that nobody except for God is allowed to tell us if we go to heaven or hell. because at the end of the day, only God is allowed to judge us. in doing so, he stepped on several devout christians' toes to the extent that one member of the audience (a teacher, no less) walked out in the middle of the forum after indicating that she thought brother michael will be going to hell.

ouch. and these people call themselves christians?

forgiveness. it is a virtue that is easy to pronounce but hard to achieve.
it is always so much easier to hate. come to think of it, isn't that what started many a conflict?


this post might be flawed in several ways since i have yet to go for a bible study class. i admit i do not completely comprehend what it means to be christian. maybe my lash out at these well meaning zealots is unreasonable and ungrateful since they sincerely have my well-being in mind.

all i can say is that i'm still learning and trying to develop my relationship with God. despite all the anger and hatred i have inside of me, i shall take a first step and try to forgive.

It's 2005 now. I know for many of you, 2004 has been a pretty screwed up year. You hear people preaching all the hollow rhetoric about 2005 being a better year, our best year yet...etc... that this would be the year we'll make things happen etc.

Fact is, 2005 may not necessarily be the best year of my life. I think, judging from circumstances, it may be even worse than 2004 for me. But still, I'm gonna fight to make things happen for me this year. My resolutions are going to be resolutions. My goals will be met.

*************This part may be disturbing for some, if you can't take it, just go to the end of the post right now. (My close friends may be shocked to read what's ahead.) You have been warned.****************************

What's most important for everyone is that we just leave the emotional baggage of 2004 behind. Personally, this is the year that I finally managed to shake off depression, the oh-so-awful black death. It was just horrible and kept me as a torture victim for the longest time. The scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, "Gradually and then suddenly." When someone asks me how i lost my mind, that is all I can say too. I just knew it lasted for about 2 years... though initially it was just very, very mild. Eventually my whole mental state and emotional state was exacerbated by many circumstances, but I attribute the main reason of my mental degradation to the fact that I starting feeling separated from God. I got separated from God namely because I was too enticed by the offers of the world... being a sole, true Christian in my JC class didn't help. Everyone, including some "Christians" were behaving... well, just like the world does. What's worse was that even within my church, I was so cut off from all my members and friends... when people tried so hard to connect with me, I'd just shrug them off and go about doing my own thing.

Truth is, I was drowning back then. I cut myself off from my church friends because the macho side of me kept telling me that it was fine, I'm perfectly normal... it's ok to be lonely, it's ok to live the kind of lifestyle your friends lead, it's fine to feel pissed as hell about this whole entire world we live in because everything is a facade ( very very worldly thinking). Then I cut myself off from my other non Christian friends because I thought, ya know, they were so superficial, childish, materialistic and hedonistic people, living for the day, without any purpose and aim in life... and not even bothering to pursue and seek for a purpose in life. The worst thing was that I cut myself off from God because I thought, I can't be feeling this way, but I am. I'm shouldn't be like this, but I am. And I'm not fit to talk to Him..... Basically I was caught in this vicious cycle of self pity. I was caught between the world and God... and I couldn't decide... really couldn't. The Bible says that a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. Bingo. I was totally unstable and neurotic back then. I was lonely, confused, angry and to this day, I still think it was my own fault, for being so weak. Grrr, I'm always blaming myself for anything, though I've managed to let go of any resentment, guilt and condemnation I have towards myself.

Eventually, the lonely, confused kid who didn't want to make himself vulnerable to anyone by opening up, decided to seek gratification through sexual outlets. Pornography, masturbation ( thank goodness no casual sex or promiscuity of any sort) became my only way to numb the oh-so-awful feeling and distaste ( a real understatement) I had towards the world. My mind was totally not renewed by Christian doctrine. At that point I've pretty much been indoctrinated by Christian truths, but never had the faith to live them out. Anyway, I was just totally numb inside- absence of interest, absence of feeling, absence of response. And there was this horribly sharp feeling that constantly pricks me from the inside, leading me to moan over the meaninglessness of life (which of course I know realize is totally untrue. Even then I was consciously aware that life wasn't meaningless too), the insanity of the world, my solitary self, my existential angst. The only way to seek gratification of any sort was through a sexual outlet... though I was also consciously and acutely aware that the pleasure would be just temporary, just fleeting, but my flesh went against my head constantly. Before I knew it... I was enslaved and ensnared by all these sexual images in my head and was seriously under bondage. For some reason I kept justifying myself by thinking thoughts like "oh at least I'm not doing drugs" or "at least I'm not sleeping around".

My depression got worse. Suicidal thoughts started lingering at the back of my head, though thankfully I was still stable enough to realize that it was dumb and stupid. At least the suicidal thoughts weren't dominating my conscious being. I shan't go into detail here, but after I entered army, the depression continued. It really was an impediment to me really excelling in there. I was doing fine overall, but my depressive attitude towards everything wasn't good. I took 4 MCs ( all from doctors outside camp) to escape camp because I couldn't bear going through the motions of everything all over again. And guess what I was doing at home? Yeah, exactly what i was saying in the above paragraph. In retrospect, I wish I could've been more garang in camp, and maximized my potential a bit more... because I do think I could have done alot better leadership and example wise, though physically wise I was Silver standard, which wasn't too bad.
--
Anyway around April- May last year, 2 of my cell group members started intensive counselling sessions ( I wouldn't even call them counselling sessions, but for lack of a better term I shall)... and I just don't know what happened, but my depression gradually got better. And eventually, depression left me all together. I shall elaborate on my breakthrough in another blogpost soon, but all I can say is that I know that I know that God has supernaturally extricated me from the throes of depression.

************************Those of you who skipped the middle section, it's safe to read now*********************************

So I finally get to my main point. Like how my depression is just another chapter in my life now, as I've bravely overcame it and left it far behind, I hope all of you leave your emotional baggage of 2004 behind. I believe for many, there're more downs than ups in 2004, but be brave, and live. Live for 2005. Leave everything in 2004 behind.

I shall quote from U2's song 'Walk On" from their album All that You Can't leave Behind in 2000:

I Know it aches
how your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it Behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
all this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
all that you scheme.......

You've got to leave it behind.

my new year resolutions:

1. i shall not procrastinate.
2. i shall commit myself to writing more thought provoking blog entries.
3. gesalt (courtesy of raymond goh in 8 days)

righttt. just kidding.

i haven't really thought of what i really want to do for this new year actually. exercise more, read more and whine less maybe? hmm...

anyway, as i hurry away to play maple story, i shall just make a couple of notes here:

1. whine about how children these days are getting spoilt.
2. whine about the public transport system. (maybe)
3. i'll get back to this later. (haha)

happy 2005 everyone!

Oh man. I'm going broke! My insatiable appetite for good food as well as chilling out at wonderful cafes have left a hole in my pocket.

I managed to round up the main predators of my money and I have made plans to keep those predators in check.

1) Taxi fares. ( as my mom said, money spent on taxis are the most wasted. It's totally redundant and can be avoided if you make an effort to leave house early. Taxi fares are only for lazy bums like me who keeps procrastinating or always oversleep and thus end up being late for functions all the time.)
I estimate that in the last 2 years, I've spent close to $800 on cab fare. That's hell of a lot of money.

2) Gelare Thick Shakes
Milk Shake but with a stronger concentration of ice cream over milk. It's pure bliss. I've spent waaaaay too much money indulging in this sinful pleasure. Temptation always lingers whenever I pass by the shop... I need to curb my craving for the thick shake! I need to save some money!

3) Drinks at cafe
I chill out at cafes ALOT. ( chilling out at cafes is just the best leisurely activity in the world. whether it's with many friends, or it's just your close knit group of friends, or maybe with just another person, even maybe just yourself reading a book or a newspaper, chilling at cafes is just totally wonderful. Pure splendour and pure bliss.) I eat/drink stuff at Starbucks, Gelare, Coffee Bean, Cafe Cartel alot alot alot. Who needs lousy drugs when you've amazing coffee?

4) Hair Cuts
I must stop cutting hair at REDS. Been cutting there for the past few months. It's burning a whole in my pocket.


There you go. I'm going to do my best to save some money. It's my new year's resolution to manage my finances better. I want to be a good steward of the money God gave me! No more hedonistic lifestyles of blind chasing for material objects! And no indulging in stuff that can only offer temporary gratification! (eg good food)

Love you guys out there. This is cliched, but.....

Happy New Year to all you guys!!! May this be your best year yet!!!

Just a quick update on how I spent my new year's eve, and new year as well.
New year's eve: Got up in the morning, made my way down to Yishun MRT where my unit is organizing some crappy function at SAFRA Yishun. Yeah, all their events are dumb all right, but anything beats going back to the hellhole to face the wrath of the BFHs(Boss from hell). I was supposed to take part in some air rifle event, but when my friend and I made our way down to the air rifle range, apparently our names weren't included in the list, but we were just too happy to be able to "siam" the air rifle thing. We made our way down to Northpoint, sharing a cab with some other guy who ended treating us to the ride, and about half the unit would be there to watch Meet the Fockers at Golden Village. My friend and I were lucky to get tickets. So I took breakfast at Long John Silver, and their french toast sucks totally. I'll never ever take my breakfast there anymore. The movie itself is really funny, though totally crude humour and really slapstick. I thought it was a really cheap movie, resorting to the most cliched techniques to tickle our laughing buds. Anyway, I still enjoyed the movie, being the easily-amused guy that I am, laughing my hearts out throughout the movie. What's more, the movie is free! It's all paid by my unit, so what more can I complain about?

Sean ( my best friend in camp) and I evaded the whole unit lunch event. The food there would undoubtedly be good, but usually the lunch/ dinner events are filled with crappy, screwed up events to just suck you of your precious time. Sean and I decided we have more important stuff to do than sitting there like dummies watching all the proceedings of the lunch event, so we shook of our friends and headed for the MRT. In retrospect, Sean left because of his swollen eye. I'm the one who left because I didn't want to waste my time going to that absolute bore-fest.

I made my way to Singapore Post, and it was pouring SO badly, i decided to seek some respite in one of the cafes first till the rain abates. I settled down at Delifrance, by myself, and ordered heavenly Tahiti Baguette Pizza and Mixed Fruit Tart (my all time favourite). I picked up my book and got through a few pages before I slept in the cafe for a while, only to be wook up by Jingfa ( my cell group member), who reminded me that my plan of meeting at Fisherman's Village to celebrate our friend's birthday ( on 1st Jan, he's a new year baby) wasn't feasible because it's gonna be really wet there. So being the lazy guy that I am, I took a cab home, and logged onto MSN to do some major planning. I decided on Fish and Co at PS followed by a movie at Cineleisure, and booked 8 tickets to the 9.35 show of Nobody Knows.

Plan backfired. Turns out the birthday boy Dale ( we shall refer to him as QT Bao, an affectionate term given to him by me) didn't eat fish. I was most surprised by it. How could he not eat fish? I love fish to the core. All sorts of fish. I probed him about this and he just told me it's because he feels nausea after eating fish...a nd he got that feeling since young. It's weird how little events in our childhood can have such a profound imprint on our lives huh? Anyway like QT Bao, I also have this lingering distaste towards mayonnaise since I was young. I just hate mayonnaise. Anyone who hates me out there, just remember to get me some food filled with mayonnaise. You'll get me gagging. Back to the topic: my friends decided they didn't want to watch Nobody Knows, at the same time jesting a little that indeed, Nobody Knows about that show. I didn't too, till I saw it in the papers... it seemed really good... guess I'll just have to watch that by myself or with some other friends some other time.

In the end, we settled at Cafe Cartel, after an arduous wait of more than an hour. The queue was crawling at snail's pace. But the wait was worth it, because the Grilled Dory Fish i ordered was darn good. the Peach Foley drink I ordered was also heavenly. But the stuff there was just so expensive! I would have spent less at Swensens or even at Fish and CO.

AFter the meal, we walked around aimlessly quite a bit, finally deciding to go to GV Plaza to check out the movie timings. We couldn't come to a general consensus to what movie to watch, and the movie timings were not being kind to us too. So we decided to head to another cafe to just chill out there. I totally love chilling at cafes, it's the best luxury ever! I love chilling at HMV by myself, with no one to hurry me, just listening to good music non stop all day, feeling the blues, or grooving to the beat, depending on what kind of music I'm listening too. Likewise I also love chilling at cafes, though I prefer it when it's with a smaller crowd, say 4 or 5 people. Anyway, we had a mini countdown there, though all our timings weren't synchronised. Haha. We sang a birthday song for Dale, and our cake we got for him from Mrs Fields tasted great. We tricked him with a fake present ( disposable paper underwear) and I just loved the facial expression he had! Haha... that was a darn cool trick to pull. We then presented him with the real presents, an addidas jersey, and a bag ( which he really needed coz he was always either carrying his sisters' bag or his army bag). He then gave a really funny/lame comment on how he would've preferred leopard silk boxers to disposable paper underwear. It's darn hilarious! I keep giving him stick for becoming very metrosexual these days... when I'm one myself! Haha

After the whole countdown/birthday celebration affair, we bidded goodbye to each other, as well as to 2004, and I took a cab home, catching some precious shut eye on the cab. I was just too tired to think about the new year, though there's an inexplicable expectancy to the new year in me. All in all, I'm really glad Dale was quite happy about the whole celebration. We did try to make it as best as we could for him. Sadly, he'll be spending his sunday in camp doing duty. Argh, NS Blues.

Spent the whole day staring at my com, blog-surfing and watching animes. Also slept like a pig in the afternoon... a whooping 4 and a half hours! Beat that! Gosh I feel like I wasted my entire day.

********************************************************************************

On a different note, I'm astounded by the amount of people who dont' give a damn about new year's resolutions and just pass it off by saying that you don't need to make resolutions at the start of the year, you can make resolutions anytime you want. They also claim there's no point making any resolutions because they never keep them. The former is true, we can all make resolutions anytime we want, but when better than the new year? As for the latter, it's just an inane excuse for a blatant lack of vision and drive. For me, it's true many of us never fulfill the resolutions we make, but that's another story all together. The most important thing about resolutions is that they give us something to work on, improve on, and they give us vision. A goal. In our screwed up society nowadays, everyone is becoming so hedonistic, just living for themselves, living for the day, wanting to be happy, wasting their lives away. I totally disagree with Fro's recent post on his blog about metaphysical musings ( what an inappropriate term to describe our pursuit for meaning and purpose in life), esp the part when he said we should live for the day and be happy. That is true, to an extent, but isn't working towards our goals and visions in life the best way to "live for the day"? That way, we wouldn't be wasting our lives away like some wasted, wash-upped druggie and engaging in full self-destructive mode. At the end of the day, if we do get swept away by a Tsunami, you know that you lived your life to the maximum, and you can now depart from the world with no regrets.

Sorry for all the rambling... It's 2.30am and I can't think properly. I'll give a better post tomorrow.